Stayed in LA over MLK Weekend
made some money setting these up for a customer
Life is a continuous story. We move forward on our trials and learn lessons along the way.
Peace comes when we allow the past that wishes to be remain there.
I struggle w normal life, i.e. letting go of a plethora of friends in youth forced to focus on a handful later. I wasn’t close with my own family growing up and I can tell I tried to fill that void at work. Battle of attrition.
Its like a Chinese finger trap. The more I struggled against life’s expectations of finding oneself just with their family. The more I fulfilled the prophecy.
They (att contract work) gave me exposure to the job and skills I wanted but I fucked it up for a multitude of reasons and so they removed that opportunity.
That’s the cold hard truth.
My priveleged entitled self didnt make the cut, so they knocked me down a peg by laying me off which was a blow to my ego. It’s just no one wanted to admit that was the reason, but I knew.
If I was in their shoes I would have done the same thing. I wasnt acting right for the opportunity. I wasnt “ready”. The hardest part is asking myself if I’m ready now or ever would be ready. I like to think I am. Yet I find myself complaining over the complexity of the work I have now and wishing it was more specific to data science. I have it good here where I’m at with plenty of opportunities abound. I just am the new guy right now and I’m anxious about that.
When I made the calls to get back to work at AT&T under contract. I was called back about 2 weeks later and 1 week before I was about to start and told by the CEO of the contracting company that there was a lot of talk about “woman x” and if I was “planning anything”.
Can you imagine…
Yeah. It was crazy. I said no as I wasn’t planning anything (I didnt even know if she was there until he told me we were starting the same day), but the gears got turning.
Who the fuck said something that the CEO of the company that was bringing me on was notified by someone on AT&T about “woman x”?
I was shown a very good opportunity while I was there. Exposure to C suite and devops and even data science.
I acted right up until I didn’t
But first, an important piece of information. I was using marijuana often enough and for long enough that it wasn’t properly leaving my system from day to day.
Shortly after meeting “woman x” I just cracked. By cracked I mean exhumed the biggest fucking ego this side of the world has ever seen.
I had meetings with the C suite on the work I was doing which was new to me (managing software projects). The problem with that type of environment is they just hoist big stuff on you with no warning because they get a feel for the workload you can handle. Of course they had no idea about my marijuana use.
I was catatonic during these meetings. I don’t think I flopped on my face, but I was nervous af and didn’t really contribute much. I knew what I needed to, but I knew what was going on, they were evaluating me. If you don’t do well under contract they usually just dismiss you, but in my case they were actually surprised and for some reason expected me to resign (they missed the fact, despite being 1099, I still had a usable open UI claim). In my opinion it’s because they would have been able to reuse the funds they got for me on another candidate. Instead they got hit with a cut and a hiring freeze for the rest of the year.
The marijuana mixed in with what I believe were concussion symptoms which were rearing there ugly head from an earlier skateboarding accident years ago which led to hypomania. A grand ego to deflect any sense of shame or responsibility for my actions.
Knowing I wasn’t supposed to interact with her, this woman had become a trigger for stress. A person who used to be a fix for my stress at work became a stressor to me. We used to hang out occasionally and smoke marijuana together and just talk about shit and for me that was a high in itself.
AFTER I failed to impress the c suite. I started stoking the fires on my social media about dominatrix’ and what have you to see if I could get a rise out of her and to get me laid off because I didn’t want to be there anymore. The failure of the friendship and failing to impress the c suite got to me, but I wasn’t going to resign because I wouldn’t get unemployment.
I bring all this up because it was very hard for me to accept responsibility for my actions because I didn’t want to admit the state I was in. I had become dependent on marijuana and then metaphorically fell for a siren. It wasn’t her fault. She had no interaction with me, but I let it be. It was what Jung describes as anima possession. I wasn’t contending with her, her lack of response became a placeholder for my paranoid subconscious shadow projections (dominatrix) which led to my downfall. Aka the siren motif.
That’s what I’ve been contending with over the past year. Knowing I was so close to having the things I worked so hard for right in my grasp and I fell on my face because of my own issues. I had to accept the fact that I was flawed and deeply mired in them at the time. The hypomania was a deflection of taking any responsibility.
Either way. Its been hard to accept the fact that I failed in the moment it counted. Mark Manson in the book “the Subtle Art of not giving a fuck” talks about being in love with the product/outcome but not the process (hard work). That was me in my hypomanic state. I wanted the outcome without the effort. I totally flopped because I was in a bad state. I cried about not getting what I thought I deserved and didn’t want to take responsibility for my own failures as to why I didn’t get them so I wouldn’t have to take a hard look at myself.
So this is what I’ve been thinking about lately. Do I really want those things? I have new opportunities in a different space now. Will I do the hard work no matter the sacrifice if the opportunity presents itself? In all fairness I should stop being so hard on myself, I get the impression that Mark Manson’s book would recommend to do the same (don’t presume exceptionalism all the time). I shouldn’t have to think I need to “sacrifice” in order to gain. I blamed the focus on my school as to why I couldn’t perform, which had some truth to it, but it wasn’t all the truth. All the truth is it was school, my father’s death, this woman, and marijuana all wrapped up into one which lead to my failures to perform and I chose school as the only thing I could focus on and accomplish.
The most important take away is understanding my weakness’ so I hopefully don’t repeat them.
I also was able to turn these negative events into a rebirth/refocus/recover move by liquidating, paying my loans, and building in Mexico so I could have a chance at a renewed round 2.
I sometimes think the icarus myth is a metaphor for falling from grace
And there is a correlate w adam and eve and sexuality
That picture summed it up without getting into detail. The harpies and sirens
He consummated passionately and was judged for it (the fall from grace)
Similar to what happened w adam and eve. The fruit… the fruit of a woman.
Throwing aside the shutters of the protestant work ethic and consuming the ripe fruit of a woman is the fall
But… I think… its within a certain context that isnt mentioned. Maybe adultery or taking something that is not his own. That part isnt spelled out. But those are the common motifs I’ve identified w
Or disregarding having a healthy respect for established rules and indulging ones unreasoned passions in a fit of inflation is the lesson being taught
There is a reason for the protestant work ethic. Harmony.
Indulge the unconscious passions in seclusion
There is a reason it’s in the unconscious
Maybe the lesson is if you knowingly acknowledge sexuality openly you are cast out. Or… having done so and become shameful you are cast out
You either be a player about it or you keep it to yourself
But there is no room for being openly shameful about it
That’s the pretext everyone lives up to. No one openly acknowledges it
I recall a feeling a falling when I held back on revealing my mistress to my former friend.
As if knowing there was no going back. Shutting that door and knowing the emotional scar it was going to leave
Acting in anger
Eddinger says a feeling of falling in dreams is the icarus motif. The fall of ego inflation to alienation.
The fall from grace
I addendumed the fall from grace bit
Knowing I was reveling in my act of vice for revenge purposes was a willful fall from grace (inflated state to a guilty alienated state). The act of capitalizing in the vice is the guilt trip fall leading straight into alienation
I held back but did reveal it. that’s when I felt the falling
Active imagination is all liminal. Hekate, underworld.
I’m watching some tutorials on tech. I can’t help but think these guys are super nerdy and lack people/woman skills
The idea struck me that society is set in such a way that we pair off. There isnt much purpose in being adept at women skills in that scenario
So….this gets back to adam and eve. the knowledge of good and evil, the fruit. That’s what the fruit symbolizes. Not the toil of ones labor that adam is shortly to pursue afterwards (protestant work ethic), but the taboo knowledge of sexuality that eve shared w adam.
I get the impression that that’s what the story is about
“I was going through a period of intense hypomania while using medical marijuana and quite possibly experiencing the effects of tbi of the left frontal lobe (knocked myself out while skateboarding) which was exacerbated from the marijuana (mood, analytical thinking, emotion regulation, impulse regulation) and I read Bruce MacLennan’s work (Individual Soul and World Soul) that right brain is more in tune w associative pattern recognitions (poetic license, analyze myths for common motifs) and I’m reading jung’s Archetypes (bellinger series) and turns out I was experiencing what Maclennan and Jung term “active imagination” as well as Katabasis (descent to the underworld) and now understand why Hekate is associated with the underworld (liminal means the uncontrolled thoughts that come to mind, often archetypal heros of the past, hence underworld connection). I made an art piece that expressed a coniunctio as well as the goddesses Hekate, Isis, and Tiamat along with Hypatia.
Edward Edinger says “Self axis and the symbolic life are encountered through the inferior function, the weakest portion of the personality. Only by awareness and acceptance of our weakness do we become conscious of something beyond he ego which supports it.”
The inferior function is ego alienation (follows ego inflation, the subsequent fall stemming from outward rejection by one’s peers, the Icarus effect). Which results in a “abaissement du niveau mental”, aka the inferior function is accessed.
Anyways. Thought it would be worth mentioning. I found it very spiritual and have contemplated on its meaning since. I believe in the gods from these periods of active imagination as I believe they were telling me something, guiding me, showing me a path from the unconscious on where hopes for my future lied.”
The timing bit for otherwise unconnected events seems to be orchestrated in a meaningful way
I happened to meet her twice before the vp exhuming I was ready merely to fall apart in a manic mess followed by an inflated ego and to save it from crashing goddess tangent writes me an email moments before my layoff
All that shit felt like cosmic timing
Because the cosmos knew it had Mexico lined up for me
I met vera bambi at LAX on my way to see my dying dad in the hospital
My failed jewish friendship led me to a Muslim virgin when I beseeched metatron
All these things were what [wolfgang] pauli gets at about signs and you said was magical idealism
Maclennan talks about signs and symbols
Maclennan talks about signs and symbols
Symbols are archetypal subjective
Signs are objective words
Signs are labels
Both are used.in theurgy, signs sit under symbols. I’ve read a book on philosophy about computer cognition and how that all fits in (and why I think neoplatonism is pre computer science, aka nous as a database). Anyways. All these were signs in my life. And pauli said events and ideas. I said events, people (being), places, ideas, and add emotion (eros)
o some of my theurgical symbols involved active imagination (hekate, goddess tangent, Hypatia) and symbolons (metatron, seed of life. And I was laid off on hypatias day of death. I was in tj on voltaires bday renewing my fmm and I beseeched him the day I used the metatron
Hell the day I revealed the virgin mistress was on good friday/passover and i had no clue!
Which is why I made my business card w the star of David, crescent moon, and cross
I think its code too meant to be consumed by cosmic agents (minds)
When hypatias death day rolled around [the day of my layoff]. That was the one time I knew what was going on. I knew what that day meant and I wasnt scared
I had trust[pistis], a chaldean virtue
I feel the gods revealed themselves to me
When I found out hekate was anima mundi…
I did a mental doubletake
I’ve always cherished the idea of anima mundi
Its [anima mundi] akin to this Jewish guys work
Abiotic genesis, jeremy england
The suns Ray’s excite enough energy and particles self organize
And eventually lead to life
I think the reason I hypothetically upset J***, C******, and T** was in their eyes they are the gatekeepers to everyone’s hope, an opportunity at full time.
So if I came in there and said I was ok with getting laid off cuz I’d still get my masters, was an insult to their opportunity which they viewed as the best they could offer anyone (exposure to CICD and C suite). They wanted me to integrate there with my masters.
I truly believe the reason everyone acted the way they did by turning a blind eye to the affair was its expected in Abrahamic patriarchy culture to objectify women. Even S***** acknowledged that by turning a blind eye to my return (this I didnt know at the time) because she exhumes that lifestyle. However with me I did feel guilty and was violating the patriarchy’s unspoken rule of objectification is expected and simultaneously violated the republican rule “keep it yourself” to scandal.
“Sex and the Office” says women caught sleeping their way to the top are halted generally once outted.
I think it’s okay to have sex in the workplace but the way its discusses imo is from a patriarchial sanctioned “don’t ask don’t tell” POV.
Which creates this anxiety in people about it and it remains very much a power move.
Selected Response: “that is absolutely true. But desperate times man… I’ve certainly been presented with the opportunity to do so, but don’t want to subjugate myself to whims of some dude on a power trip.”**
At that point all hell broke loose coupled with the fact I didn’t care for the opportunity* and was creating scandal with talk of dominatrix, I think that’s when the uppers gave their blessing to let those angry at me have at it. They did what is always done in criminal cases. Try to get former friends to turn on each other, let them do the dirty work for you. To get them to show they are hungry for an opportunity and willing to get their hands dirty. That’s my best guess.
*I thought they misinterpreted me, that I didn’t want it. I did its just that I was truly mentally ill from seeing her and it was hurting me psychologically with insomnia and mania daily. But they didn’t care. It violated their world view which expected me to be a player about it. But that’s the thing. I’m a soft heart (I can be mean, though usually unintentionally by usually just walking away from a relationship (ghosting), ironically, but lately I’ve tried to be more mature about it and am on the other end of the spectrum where I can’t walk away). Idk I just can’t be mean to someone I loved (I can be passive aggressive and make things uncomfortable though). I can’t block it out. That to me is being disingenuous to oneself and I feel corporate life expects you to swallow your emotions because they wanted to prove to everyone that emotions won’t get you paid
It’s kind of like saying women want to be respected but then you see classic objectifiers fucking the women you admire at work… I had a white knight savior complex only to be friend zoned and discarded which taught me that the paradigm I was using does not get me to the desired end goal (nice guys finish last) which was at least continued friendship so I had the affair and fulfilled the expectations of the very thing I didn’t like. Patriarchy. It was very traumatic for me in a way
It’s a turn on to be objectified but people want to use it in certain contexts that benefit them (cost benefit analysis)
**My friend confirmed it is a power move and some women think they have to sleep their way to the top
So power is attraction
I got the distinct impression she was doing it for power because people would tell me she got around, plus the fact that she was giving me personal time, yet when I naively told her I had feelings for her (after hanging out 1:1 multiple times). She started to distance herself. Like I was breaking some unspoken rule. I think she then classed me as a nice “married” guy who wasn’t going to make a move and lost interest cuz I obviously wasn’t a power move nor a Don Draper to her anymore
I think I touched the 3rd rail. Whoever obliged her power moves.
Attraction is power.
Posidonius’ Cosmic Sympathy
Those fateful words spoken not by me
But by he
who stood next to her after my apology
Without shame nor fear
or a glance
I walked past her
To shake his hand
So she could see
it was he
I was thanking for
Cosmic Mexican irony